Visited Wichita this weekend with Indie Dan, a good friend of mine, and were reminded of why we left. Sure, it’s no Detroit (”Paris of the Midwest”), but I’m not exactly clamoring to get back there either.

Exhibit A: A typical feature article in our city’s illustrious paper:

Runaway Trailers Repeatedly Kill:

Runaway-trailer crashes are notable for the cruel coincidences of place and time that put the victim in the path of a rolling projectile. Most of the victims are helpless motorists, but pedestrians also have been injured or killed. Runaway trailers even have crashed into houses.

Bolt your doors and duct tape the vents! And remind your kids never to speak to stranger runaway trailers.

Also in that edition was a quote from a caller who suggested that kids at the mall should sit in Jesus’ lap instead of Santa’s, and someone who blamed the downfall of our society on the ACLU (damn those liberals campaigning for people’s rights!). As Dan and I were attempting to leave town on Sunday morning, we were stuck in a mile long line of cars that were headed to church. Not a basketball game or concert or anything. Church! This is what I miss out on in godless heathen Lawrence.

Speaking of religion, in a town in which you cannot throw a rock without hitting a church, another group is gaining momentum:

Former Inn at the Park, now a Scientology stronghold owned by Kirstie Alley.

I found out last weekend that Kirstie Alley, from such illustrious roles as “bar wench from Cheers” and the “Look Who’s Talking” series, purchased a property next to her Wichita home and put up a Santa village. I’ve always been kind of intrigued by fringe religious groups, the nuttier the better (fast forward to the last minute of that video in the link for a good laugh). Scientologists believe in Santa? I guess whatever makes the bucks.

Just a plain old cheap looking Santa village backdrop. Mildly disappointing. I’m sure attending the opening gala would have yielded something hilarious but I wasn’t exactly willing to contribute money to this organization just for laughs (nor do I want to receive pamphlets from them for the next billion years).

Most of the time we spent hanging out with Dan’s friends from high school - I didn’t have friends in high school and the few that I did, hauled ass out of town as soon as they could. Good thing for them and for me, because most of the people who stayed behind ended up married, pregnant, in rehab, or a combination of all three. Subsequently the conversations mostly revolved around high school; what else was there to talk about? Every trip back to Wichita ends up being the same for me: boring and slightly depressing, kind of like being in high school again.

Headed to Houston tomorrow, a town I previously complained about, but oddly enough I am looking forward to spending a week there. Maybe because anything looks good after Wichita, or because I get to hang out with my family, eat good food, and play video games. Okay, maybe that is reminiscent of high school also…but the good part, right?

Fat, lazy, general no-goodnik.

Problem: The feline in question, pictured above, is on the brink of morbid obesity, which increases risk of health problems including diabetes and floor-shattering.

Proposed solutions: reduce his food intake, increase exercise.

Problems with the proposed solutions:

Increasing his exercise proves to be difficult as the feline displays aggressive inertia, to the point that only the possibility of food entices him to move. That enticement, unfortunately, negates any positive effects of the exercise.

Reducing his food intake also proves to be difficult, as the cat has taken to retaliation at 3:00 in the morning. Behaviors include walking on owners head and vocalizing until the owner relents and dispenses more food.

Withholding food during daylight hours has also proven to be difficult, in that the cat will vocalize in the absence of the owner. The owner’s neighbors, alarmed by the increasingly distressed vocalizations, have taken it upon themselves to push food through the gap under the door, to feed the hungry feline (gap is not wide enough for neighbors to see the “starving kitty.”) Subsequently, the feline has learned that loud vocalization will result in food suddenly appearing underneath the door.

Current dilemma: how to make the cat lose weight, and stop the neighbors from calling the animal equivalent of CPS?