Today we discovered that the roof rats are not indeed rats, but squirrels. How and when did we make this discovery? Oh, around 9 this a.m., when Elijah was abruptly woken by one of these creatures. Scampering, around in the blankets and ON him.

What followed, I am told, was an epic battle involving the forces of man, cat, and squirrelhood. Quark valiantly defended the apartment by lunging after the intruder, chasing after it, and then, after cornering it, giving it a good stare-down. Unfortunately, he seemed content with merely staring at the squirrel - the poor dolt doesn’t what to do with un-canned or non-kibble prey. It was up to Eli to actually deal with the intruder - poor Eli spent the next half hour chasing after the squirrel with a Swiffer mop, trying to coax it out of an open window or the open door. After finally Swiffing it out of the apartment, Eli watched as the thing turned tail and ran - down into the cobwebbed nether regions of the basement.

In between thwacking at walls and floor with the business end of the Swiffer, Eli called to update me. I think I was actually more upset about the incident than Eli, who was the target of the physical assault (luckily there was a blanket separating him from its little squirrel claws). I tried to contact the maintenance people, marking the third time I have called about the vermin.

“Don’t you worry,” said the maintenance guy. “I got a live trap, I won’t hurt ‘im.” Why he thought I would care about the well-being of the squirrel, I don’t know (sorry, krissy!). I have nothing against them when they stay OUTSIDE, eating acorns and shit, but once they hop on my boyfriend’s face in bed, it’s broom handle / BB-gun / flamethrower time. Suck it, squirrel hussies!

As of now, it doesn’t appear that the maintenance guy has done anything. We’re reluctant to open the basement door, should the squirrel and its basement buddies come flying out. I have, however, taken steps towards finding a new place to live, in addition to advertising my apartment for sublease. What do you think, should I list “free exotic wildlife” as a feature?