Ever since the end of the primaries (and even well before the end of the primaries), the blogosphere and media have been more or less throwing out their ideas for who the candidates should pick as their number two*. Sometimes reporters and bloggers speculate based on “confidential sources close to the campaigns,” or who they like in particular, or in some cases pull completely ridiculous VP choices out of their ass. Seriously, none of these jokers have any idea what they are talking about. Tim Kaine? Snooore. His response to the SOTU was a total snoozefest and the only way he’ll get votes is if old people confuse him with “McCain” and somehow mash the wrong button on their rigged Diebold machines. Ditto Kathleen Sebelius, who has done nothing good for Kansas whatsoever.

According to my EXCLUSIVE sources from both campaigns, here are the VP choices to look out for:

1. Obama / Harriet Christian

- Bio here
- Famous for: yelling at the young uppity black man for ruining the chance to turn the US into a gynocracy
- Platform issues: equal rights for cranky polygendered people, reinstating of Jim Crow laws
- Pros: She’s a woman (maybe)!
- Cons: Shrill factor of 11; would force Obama to steal more of our precious tax dollars to fund a bigger security detail

2. McCain / Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

- Bio here
- Famous for: ????
- Platform issues: pro tans, plastic surgery, awful music and fashion; anti Lauren Conrad
- Pros: Provide young, precious blood for various rituals
- Cons: Terrorists don’t really need another reason to hate the US

3. Obama / Abe Simpson

- Bio here
- Famous for: lovable old-man rantings
- Platform issues: reducing the number of states in the Union, getting kids off White House lawn
- Pros: Old white dude!
- Cons: Spring chicken compared to McCain

4. McCain / M. Montauk

- Bio here
- Platforms: against global warming, pro relaxing borders to allow immigrants of all species
- Pros: newcomer to Washington; less monstrous than Bobby Jindal, Mitt Romney or any of the other leading Republican contenders touted by mainstream media
- Cons: makes McCain look bad in comparison

Rest assured, I have researched the matter diligently. Now this insider information has been posted on a blog, and therefore published and totally legitimate. Now go buy up those Intrade stocks while they’re still cheap!

In the span of time between the end of summer classes, and the beginning of fall, there isn’t much activity in the hallways at work. Lately I haven’t seen anyone around but janitors, and the occasional shadowy professor or grad student ducking in and out of their cave-like basement offices. Yesterday, I was a little alarmed to encounter such a professor in the hallway. He and I have not formally met but I believe his name is Gregor Samsa. I haven’t really interacted with him much, preferring instead to skirt around him gingerly as he shuffles his way between offices.

Well, today it appears that he has fallen onto hard times. He lies prostrate on his back, belly up, the indignity of his condition exposed to the public - consisting of the janitors and myself, of course, but still quite humiliating. I am generally loath to intrude upon embarrassing scenes involving strangers, but I wondered if I shouldn’t help him get back on his feet.

A twin of my colleague. Just imagine this fellow upside down, splayed out on a shiny floor.

In any case, I don’t think that he has much time left on this floor, brief though our acquaintanceship has been! Somewhere in the distance, I hear the echoic swooshing of a floor sweeper.