bad metaphor

Ever since the end of the primaries (and even well before the end of the primaries), the blogosphere and media have been more or less throwing out their ideas for who the candidates should pick as their number two*. Sometimes reporters and bloggers speculate based on “confidential sources close to the campaigns,” or who they like in particular, or in some cases pull completely ridiculous VP choices out of their ass. Seriously, none of these jokers have any idea what they are talking about. Tim Kaine? Snooore. His response to the SOTU was a total snoozefest and the only way he’ll get votes is if old people confuse him with “McCain” and somehow mash the wrong button on their rigged Diebold machines. Ditto Kathleen Sebelius, who has done nothing good for Kansas whatsoever.

According to my EXCLUSIVE sources from both campaigns, here are the VP choices to look out for:

1. Obama / Harriet Christian

- Bio here
- Famous for: yelling at the young uppity black man for ruining the chance to turn the US into a gynocracy
- Platform issues: equal rights for cranky polygendered people, reinstating of Jim Crow laws
- Pros: She’s a woman (maybe)!
- Cons: Shrill factor of 11; would force Obama to steal more of our precious tax dollars to fund a bigger security detail

2. McCain / Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

- Bio here
- Famous for: ????
- Platform issues: pro tans, plastic surgery, awful music and fashion; anti Lauren Conrad
- Pros: Provide young, precious blood for various rituals
- Cons: Terrorists don’t really need another reason to hate the US

3. Obama / Abe Simpson

- Bio here
- Famous for: lovable old-man rantings
- Platform issues: reducing the number of states in the Union, getting kids off White House lawn
- Pros: Old white dude!
- Cons: Spring chicken compared to McCain

4. McCain / M. Montauk

- Bio here
- Platforms: against global warming, pro relaxing borders to allow immigrants of all species
- Pros: newcomer to Washington; less monstrous than Bobby Jindal, Mitt Romney or any of the other leading Republican contenders touted by mainstream media
- Cons: makes McCain look bad in comparison

Rest assured, I have researched the matter diligently. Now this insider information has been posted on a blog, and therefore published and totally legitimate. Now go buy up those Intrade stocks while they’re still cheap!

In the span of time between the end of summer classes, and the beginning of fall, there isn’t much activity in the hallways at work. Lately I haven’t seen anyone around but janitors, and the occasional shadowy professor or grad student ducking in and out of their cave-like basement offices. Yesterday, I was a little alarmed to encounter such a professor in the hallway. He and I have not formally met but I believe his name is Gregor Samsa. I haven’t really interacted with him much, preferring instead to skirt around him gingerly as he shuffles his way between offices.

Well, today it appears that he has fallen onto hard times. He lies prostrate on his back, belly up, the indignity of his condition exposed to the public – consisting of the janitors and myself, of course, but still quite humiliating. I am generally loath to intrude upon embarrassing scenes involving strangers, but I wondered if I shouldn’t help him get back on his feet.

A twin of my colleague. Just imagine this fellow upside down, splayed out on a shiny floor.

In any case, I don’t think that he has much time left on this floor, brief though our acquaintanceship has been! Somewhere in the distance, I hear the echoic swooshing of a floor sweeper.

We have a newspaper subscription bundled with our cable package. My roommate tried to cancel it, since we usually read it online anyways and we don’t want to kill unnecessary trees – nope, sorry forests! I wondered if there was a way to get the paper boy to deliver it directly into our recycle bin.

Today, while sorting the recycling, I actually sat down and looked at the glossies. To my surprise, I found coupons for things that weren’t limited edition 9-11 twenty dollar bills (“commemorate this terrible tragedy by ordering today! Nine and eleven make twenty, get it?”) or fairy angel Precious Moments snow globes. Then I did what I have never done, and what I used to tease my old roommates for doing – I clipped some coupons.

But where to house the coupons? I almost clipped a coupon for a coupon organizer and decided that was too meta. I ended up finding a box lying around somewhere and wrote “coupons” on all four sides of it, so my roommates wouldn’t throw it out or throw pens in it or something, because that would be just too dire. Then I decided that the box needed jazzing up. So I lined the top with some extra wrapping paper left over from wedding presents. Like this:

At some point during the middle of this crafting, it occurred to me that this is something Dad would do. It even looks like his handwriting. Is this what year twenty-five has in store for me, morphing into a female version of my father? If I start hanging bugs in my yard, please do me a favor and call for help!

I turned twenty-five yesterday! Nothing super noteworthy about the number, but according to what krissy and her friends say, that is the year when a single girl becomes a Christmas Cake – looks good before the 25th, but nobody wants it afterwards. Let me say that I think this is absolute bullshit, as all the single twenty-five year olds I know are more like tiramisus and red velvet cakes (that includes you, krissy!) that are too good for just any common folk to bite into! But I’d ended up obliging and knitting a Christmas Cake for krissy to gift to one of her friends for her 25th.

Though the number itself doesn’t do much for me, the actual birthday was pretty fantastic. Eli took me out to breakfast at Milton’s, where I had a delicious salmon omelet and some coffee. Then work, which was…work, but I got a lot accomplished. After work, Eli and I hit up the Liberty Hall / La Prima Tazza birthday freebies. I wasn’t sure what to rent and almost picked up “Ma Vie en Rose,” a movie which I’d been meaning to see for the longest time – but then Eli randomly picked out a DVD titled “TAKE CARE OF MY CAT” from the Korea section, and those who know me best know that I had to go with that one (sorry, Golden Globe winning movie!). Hopefully this movie will help us prepare for any Korean travel plans.

Now Eli had hinted about making reservations for dinner on my birthday, and anybody who lives in Lawrence knows that this hint narrows down the options to two possibilities, the only places in town where you’d need a reservation on a Tuesday night. So I tried not to guess, and was pleasantly (half) surprised when he led me up the stairs to Cafe Beautiful! This intimate and lovely restaurant deserves its own post, but suffice it to say – the food, and basically everything about this dining experience was sublime and far, far too excellent for silly old me. Elijah takes birthdays very seriously, being an only child and all, and definitely deserves the award for best boyfriend!

During the meal, which was a seven course affair (!), the chef opened the windows for us. While eating, I spotted a familiar car parked across the street. “Hey, that’s Krissy’s car! Wonder what she’s up to,” I said, between delectable bites of thinly sliced fish, shaped like rose petals. “Oh, probably just cattin’ around,” said Eli, and I thought nothing of it, since Krissy often likes to go trotting around Mass St. I thought to call her after dinner to possibly meet up.

Then, during dessert, I heard familiar, distinctive laughter floating through the window. The laughter of…Joseph, my roommate! “Is that Joe?” I said, and Eli said “Probably not, he’s been busy working.” Then I heard it again, and ran to the window. “It is him! And John and Suzie are with him! Should I holler at them?” I asked, classy as always. I opted instead to run downstairs and say hi before they vanished. They looked a little surprised to see me, and mentioned that they were having a few drinks at Vermont St., and that I should join them after dinner. “Krissy’s downtown somewhere too,” I said, pointing at her car. “Maybe I’ll give her a call and we can all meet up!” I ran back upstairs to give my thanks to the chef.

When we finally went to Vermont St., we were greeted with collective yelling: “surprise!!” A good bunch of my closest friends were all there, presents (and beers) on the table! Many were thinking that the surprise had been ruined, due to the aforementioned signs…luckily, however, I am somewhat dense

Right now I’m feeling pretty loved and blessed, and lucky to be friends with such awesome people!