bad metaphor

My extended family visit to Houston can be described thusly: 1) experiencing, from the goose’s point of view, the process of making foie gras and 2) swapping childhood war stories with my sis.

Houston has many faults in my mind, including but not limited to: traffic, congestion, did I mention TRAFFIC, endless quantities of strip malls due to lack of zoning regulations, Halliburton, terrible drivers spanning across a variety of speeds (from “basically parked on the freeway” to “left behind a sonic boom”), and did I mention that it takes twice as long as it should to get anywhere because practically every citizen of Houston is on the road at the same time, at all hours of the day?

These faults, thankfully, do not extend to food. My theory is that the same chaotic lawlessness that allows for endless expansive sprawl, shady fireworks stands, copious amounts of pawn and liquor and firearms shops – this utter lack of regulation also permits immigrants to set up shop and pursue their dreams. These dreams apparently include making the best damn food, ever. Obviously fantastic Mexican food is a given, but did you know that there is a very long street (Bellaire) lined with some of the best Vietnamese restaurants in the country? That there’s also a ton of Indian and Pakistani restaurants along the “Indian Mile”? There’s also a respectable Thai culinary presence, as well as Lebanese.

You could eat out every day, like I did, for two weeks and still not scratch the surface of the “best” cuisine in Houston. I’m guessing that many outsiders lump Houston in with places like Amarillo, where the 72 oz steak reigns supreme. I have certainly labored to convince my friends that Houston is a wonderful enchanted land of deliciousness (of course a lot of them think The Orient in Lawrence is good Vietnamese. poor ignorant souls). Not only is it good, it is CHEAP. At the Saigon Pagolac near Bellaire and Sam Houston Tollway, you can order 7 courses of beef for about $15 per person. Beef prepared in different ways, from a very traditional hot-pot fondue style course in which you dip raw slices of beef into a heated lemony broth, just enough to cook it, then roll it up in a spring roll; to savory cuts wrapped in steamed grape leaves; to an incredibly flavorful soup with light beef broth and, oddly enough, alphabits (I had a version of this with a more traditional rice, and I have to say I prefer the alphabit letters!). Do note that “per person” is designed for the average Houstonian appetite; what they dish out for two people is probably plenty enough for four hungry normal people. The 7 courses of beef, really, is a perfect wedding of Vietnamese traditional cuisine and carnivorous Texas culture.

Unfortunately for my poor brother-in-law, however, we have yet to find the ideal vegetarian restaurants, at least in the Bellaire Asian district. He certainly was lucky that they even had vegetarian options at most of the places we went to (I don’t think the idea that fish is NOT a vegetable has sunk in with the Wichita Vietnamese, yet), but unfortunately it was almost always mi xao (sauteed vegetables with noodles), and sometimes it was downright terrible – vegetables boiled to a beige color to match the noodles, coated in an also-beige goo. We carnivores felt bad for him! There are a few restaurants that specialize in vegetarian food, and these almost always have Buddhist names (most often referencing the Quan Yin). There’s a take-out tofu place that has incredible tofu options, my favorites being the mushroom and the lemongrass-chili. Otherwise, my brother-in-law had to make do with the #12 Bi Chay from Lee’s Sandwiches, and mi xao, every day. At least we made a brief foray into the Indian Mile, so maybe that is something for him to look forward to next visit?

But between all the eating, and the sitting in traffic for hours – now the size of my belly is pretty much indistinguishable from that of my pregnant sister. One of my resolutions this year was to shed some weight; maybe I should just shoot for pre-Houston levels?