The instant I step outside, I am beset by swarms of tiny vampires. These are not the kind that sparkle in the sun. At no time of the day am I protected from their blood lust. They do not appear to be deterred by garlic – I eat so much of it that my blood has turned to aioli. Nor do they seem fazed by crosses. They like holy water, and would even use it to breed (quelle sacrilege!).
Killing them, luckily, does not require official vampire slayer training. One just simply slaps them out of existence. But they keep coming.
I’d rather be plagued by a Chinese vampire. They’re fairly simple to get rid of: just set out a sack of rice. The vampire’s obsessive compulsive disorder forces it to count each grain of rice, and if the bag is big enough, the vampire is not likely to finish before sunrise. (I have a sneaking suspicion this was a clever yarn spun by an ancient countryman, to get gullible neighbors to give up valuable foodstuffs). Better still would be vampire pumpkins. I could just plunge the suckers into boiling water, and make a delicious bisque in the process!
Alas, I live a few houses down from a guy who has “landscaped” his yard with stagnant puddle-craters, and I cannot seem to shake these predators. Even the threat of death by electrocution does not deter them from my tasty, delicate blood. How shall I ever escape my fate, pockmarked with welts and afraid to leave my house?
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