I have a love / hate relationship with television, with perhaps a touch of the Stockholm syndrome. No, more like rubbernecking. I won’t go out of my way to get cable or procure a television or anything, but if it’s there, I watch it, whether it be something genuinely entertaining and witty, like a “Six Feet Under”, or something that induces cerebral tumors, along the lines of “I Love New York”. As a last resort, I will flip over to the Food Network to irritate myself out of boredom.

Why the Food Network, you say? Well, in the last few years or so, during my intermittent spans of television watching, I’ve noticed a bit of a transformation: everybody on the Food Network is damn annoying, insane, or an unholy concoction of both. Has this always been this way? Was there ever a period when the Food Network didn’t show ridiculous bobbleheads with more goofy catchphrases than cooking sense? I remember the halcyon days of Julia Child, but she was on PBS, as well as the fabulous folks from Cooks Illustrated. Maybe the Food Network people have always been kind of shallow and borderline demented, but lately, it seems especially bad.

Here’s a line up of who’s on these days:

1) Princess Shark Face:

Hey, you’re that clever shark, aren’t you?

Personality Quirks: Exaggerating basic Italian words (”par-mi-ZHIA-no REG-i-AH-no” - hey, ya think she might be Italian?); soft-core porn lighting techniques; owner of roughly 10,000 teeth, 73% of which appear to be incisors; head distractingly out of proportion to the rest of her body.

Recipe Quality: Actually, her recipes don’t seem all that bad. Except for the time I saw her make a cheesecake of terror, which features roasted red bell peppers and goat cheese, drizzled in apricot jam. AHHH! My only consolation is that Giada obviously does not eat the food she makes.

Drinking game ideas: Drink when she says something in “I-tahl-YAH-noe”, or when the camera angle closes in on her gently lit bosoms.

2) The Poison Lady:

Butter and lard makes the world go round.

Personality quirks: “Oh MY GAWD, Y’ALL. I simply LOVE taters, with EXTRA BUTTER.” When asked what sort of tea she would take in England, she said, “Luzianne.” Also, has two sons with a combined IQ of 70, and a perpetually inebriated garden gnome for a husband. My mother once pointed at the TV when Paula Deen was on and said, “that’s the Poison Lady.”

Recipe quality: Butterlicious.

Drinking game ideas: Drink every time Paula Deen adds butter or lard. Your liver will cry, but overall, you will still be healthier than if you actually ate any of her food.

3) The Essence of BAM!:

BAM! Kick it up a notch! I just turned on the oven! (audience applause)

This is an odd confession to make in the midst of a Food Network rant, but really, I don’t mind Emeril that much. Yes, he is very gimmicky, more than a little cheesy, and he did more or less start the abominable trend of “food celebrities” that brought us the rest of the yokels on FN. I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to watch his show or anything, but neither does the presence of his face and accompanying personality quirks on my television screen make me want to throw things. Much.

Recipes: Not bad. Fairly dependable, achievable fare for the average FN audience. His red beans and rice recipe is actually quite tasty.

Drinking game ideas: Obviously, take a shot any time he says “BAM!” or “Kick it up a notch!”, or whenever the audience cheers at something mundane, like the addition of garlic.

4) Nerd nerd neeeeeerd:

Hey I’m a nerd! Nerd nerd nerd! Get it?

Here’s where I’m probably going to catch a lot of flak. I used to like him, back in the days when he simply gave good advice, like using a plastic bag with a corner cut off instead of purchasing a piping bag (for the times you need a piping bag, I guess). His whole McGyver schtick was mildly amusing, and he seemed to know what he was doing, so I cut him some slack.

Nowadays, I can’t watch him for more than 10 seconds before wanting to change the channel out of embarrassment. I guess the FN people told him to nerd it up (a notch, ha ha), and I guess that entails cheesy, painfully long skits interspersed throughout the show. I like nerds and all, being one myself, but come on.

Recipe Quality: Reliable. He gives good advice, mostly.
Drinking game ideas: Take a shot any time he makes reference to “hardware,” “software,” or other unnecessarily geekified jargon.

5) Muffin Hips:

Mmm. Uh, what food?

Personality quirks: BOOBS. Seriously. As a mostly heterosexual female, I can’t stop staring at them. Does she actually cook? She could be mashing cat food in a blender and most of her audience wouldn’t notice. Back in the day, I probably would have been annoyed that her presence on the FN seems to be wholly irrelevant to her actual culinary abilities. But in a day when Little Miss Toothpick Bobbleheads have hijacked the television, it’s kind of nice to see a purely T & A figure who, you know, actually has T and A.

Recipe Quality: According to my sister, rather poor. Eh, she’s British.

Drinking game ideas: Take a shot whenever she eats something seductively.

6) Animitronic Bobble Head Zombie Queen:

Ahh, the eyes. Ahh!

Recipe Quality: Jesus Christ, does she really get paid to show us how to slather frosting and glitter on storebought Nascar-themed cookies? Also, her tablescapes make me

Drinking game ideas: Take a shot any time she complements her own cooking. “I am going to make some FABULOUS vanilla wafer crumbles, topped with an EXCELLENT Cool Whip and Bourbon sauce.”

7) Rachael Death Ray:

Now taking over Aisle 4 of your local grocery store.

Personality quirks: Again, I actually didn’t mind her at first. Even when my friends would complain about her supernatural chipperness, and her penchant for using stupid catch phrases, I figured they were just being their usual misanthropic selves. Like with her cohort Lagasse, I didn’t care much either way whenever she was on the TV.

But then, she seemed to be on the TV more. And more. About four different shows on the FN, as well as a new talk show. And, as mentioned, about half an entire aisle at the grocery store. The day I went to a Barnes and Noble and found myself facing an entire wall of shining copies of her mad-eyed, vacuously grinning face, was the day I decided enough was enough. This reign of terror simply must be stopped, or she’ll kill us all with E.V.O.O. That’s short for extra virgin olive oil!

Recipe quality: Ranging from the mundane and carb-free diet friendly, to atrocious state-fair-abominations. Hot Dog salad..

Drinking game ideas: Really, there are so many, I suspect that Rachael Ray is always drinking along during the show to her own annoying habits. I keep watching her in the hope that I will witness the day she’ll snap and lunge at the camera man, punching and thrashing her way to freedom.

Ahh. So much annoyance concentrated in one network, I have to flip a few channels over to counteract it. Let’s go to the Travel Channel:

Our savior, in the flesh as a crass, hostile, chain-smoking New Yorker. Oh, l’amour.

Personality quirks: Being awesome. Once, during an episode of No Reservations on location in Vietnam, he ate the still beating heart of a cobra. And he ate a durian! Also, note that he is actually a chef.

Recipe quality: I haven’t checked out any of his cookbooks yet, and he doesn’t have a cooking show, but I’ll trust he knows what he’s doing.

Drinking game ideas: Drink whenever he insults a Food Network personality. Also, whenever he drinks.

Maybe one of these days Giada will forget that she’s anorexic and devour the tasty human flesh surrounding her, or perhaps Rachael Ray’s inevitable meltdown will result in the destruction of the entire network. In the meantime, if you ever feel the need to indulge your personality schadenfreude, you’ll know where to go.

* UPDATE: Signs of fracture. The meltdown is imminent!

Also, check out Gallery of the Absurd’s take on Rachael Ray. Demented food chipmunk, indeed.

My roomie and I were walking down Mass St. yesterday, when we noticed a neon “Open” sign outside the place where the Solidarity Library used to be, at the back of the dance studio. “By golly, that appears to be a restaurant,” I said, and we approached to investigate. A Korean restaurant, in Lawrence! I’d just been lamenting the fact that there isn’t any good Korean food, and a dearth of good non-Thai Asian food to be had in our town. I’d already eaten lunch, so I planned to return for dinner. My gastronomically wimpy roommate decided to stay in for dinner, so I had to round up another adventurous soul for culinary roulette: this small, peculiar place could either be amazing or destroy our intestines, no middle ground likely.

The opening of this little hideout took place in relative obscurity, probably due to what perhaps is the un-catchiest name in restauranteer history: “Campus hideaway Roll Cafe.” I’d stared at the sign for a few minutes trying to figure out whether the name was simply “Roll Cafe,” and the “Campus hideaway” bit a mere descriptor, but judging from the sign itself, I doubt that. The only other indication that there may be food served in the vicinity is the set of quaint cafe-style table and chairs outside. Both chairs and table are covered in checkered picnic tablecloth. Oh, and the large yellow menu displaying their offerings.

The menu is ordinary enough, cheap Korean fare, with a bit of sushi (gulp) thrown in, except for the side dishes. Spinach fruit salad? The other side available is a pan-fried beef patty, which you can add to your meal for a mere 99 cents (I guess this shouldn’t be that surprising, given that Kim Jong Il invented the hamburger )The desserts aren’t typical Korean fare either: finish off your bibim bap with vanilla ice cream, sprinkled with Oreo crumbles. Is this supposed to be a Korean Dairy Queen or what?

The interior is just as charming and perplexing as the outside. The wait and kitchen staff wear aprons and bonnets of the same red checkered print, which make them look like willowy Korean Sun-maid Raisin Girls. The decor is very Country Crock, with grandmotherly china plates and pots hanging on the walls. It’s clean, and very importantly, packed with Asian customers - a strong indicator of the quality of an Asian restaurant, if a smidge race-minded.

The dishes are pretty cheap, even cheaper than my mainstay of Pochi / Indo / whatever it is they are calling themselves these days. My friend and I both ordered the bibim bap, and we both found it excellent. Not sure if I want to try the sushi, but since I’ve eaten TryYaki and survived, it’s probably just fine. Highly recommended, and next time, maybe I’ll dare to get that beef patty on the side for kicks