It takes a true turophile to appreciate the sheer level of art behind the infomercial. Consider it in its finest form, as brought to you by Vince (a.k.a. “Shamwow” guy):

This infomercial is just so beautiful, I have to catch myself every time I watch it from running out and buying a Slap Chop. Or a Shamwow to use for cleaning it!

Not much can top that, but the next contestant brings some stiff competition:

How is it even possible to film a video so remarkably eighties’ looking with the video equipment available to us today? This director deserves awards, for innovations in the science of time travel. I also really love the coyness with which these meretricious “actresses” describe how the product “makes you bigger” or affects “a certain part of the male anatomy.” Which part, the Adam’s apple? The ear hair?

More blatantly obscene is this next clip, from rags-to-riches, sister-in-law’s basement-to-millionaire story Jeff Paul. This isn’t the exact clip that I watched – the one I saw featured two other big busted blonde ladies, one with an atrocious Australian accent.

The one I saw must have been a special edition targeted towards “losers staying home on Valentine’s Day.” It featured a lot of sad sacks who claimed to have “worked odd jobs for $7 an hour,” “failed high school,” or “been divorced four times,” who looked like the schlubbiest of schlubs. But hey, these guys made millions, and so can you, fellow jobless, lonely schlub!

My favorite clip from this weekend is also unfortunately unavailable online (or maybe I just need to pray harder). It is a segment from Morris Cerullo’s “Helpline TV,” in which the scratch-voiced televangelist beseeches the audience to buy one of his many themed bibles. These are bibles in which someone has gone through and highlighted the passages related to whatever theme he has chosen. This one is his best-selling:

If you buy $1000 worth of themed bibles, Morris Cerullo will personally mail you an eagle statue from Tuesday Morning, spray-painted gold and silver by little Indonesian slave children! Here’s a sample of his heavenly voice for those of you who want to be saved.

There are many more useless products on the market these days, and this crap isn’t just gonna sell itself! So please forward me any other shining examples of this genre.

Congratulations Stephanie!

At the end of a nail-biter finale episode, in which sour-faced villain Lisa seemed to be getting the winner’s edit, sanity prevailed and the more consistently strong competitor took the gold. Hoorah! I do have to grudgingly admit that Lisa cooked her ass off during the final, and her tom kha gai actually looked quite delicious. Still, if she’d pulled it off and won, after being in the bottom two for the past seven straight episodes or whatever, it would have been the biggest upset in Top Chef history. Upset, as in the audience being upset and burning down the Bravo studios. Luckily, the chef with the best overall record as well as personality won. To think, Stephanie was so nervous in the first episode that she couldn’t stop shaking, and now she is Top Chef!

Sadly Richard choked at the end, but in a way that still retained his respectability. He, Stephanie, and the others (yes, probably even Lisa) will surely get tons of business from this experience. Overall it was a great season, and between this show, Anthony Bourdain’s travel show, and Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, I have been inspired to cook more and experiment with new kitchen techniques and foods. If only I could afford smokers and liquid nitrogen vats…

The caliber of the two other chefs, Richard and Stephanie, is so much ridiculously higher in comparison that they should have no problems beating her. But dammit, someone who has been in the bottom for the last six straight challenges should not be in the final three. And I now have the fear that Lisa’s insanely good luck will somehow carry her to the title of Top Chef. Like maybe Stephanie slips on a banana peel and breaks a leg, dropping her main course on the floor in the process. Or Richard’s fauxhawk catches on fire.

It did warm my heart to see Dale back, working with Stephanie, and then my warmed heart sank when Dale screwed up and left the main dish out of the cooler all night (pork, definitely something you never ever chance!). This error would have sunk a lesser chef, but Stephanie, with the help of Dale (who felt really awful), pulled it off and made some of the stronger dishes of the night. Go Stephanie!

Hate hate hate! How can anyone look at that face and still have an appetite?

All the stupid hats of Ricky from Project Runway’s Season 4, fused with the blockhead conniving of Wendy Pepper from PR Season 1.

The sooner these two are banished from my television screen, never to return, the better. Alas, Dale’s departure this week means that one of these chucklefucks is going to make it to the final four. I would say this is even worse than Tre’s infamous early exit last season, because at least the remaining contestants weren’t completely talentless* and thoroughly infuriating in every way possible. And the worst part: my beloved Bourdain had to deal the blow! I do, however, understand and respect his decision. If only Dale hadn’t made that awful scallop dish, one aberration in an otherwise strong season. If he had lost that coin toss to be executive chef. Or if the judge had just given him the Quickfire award instead of Antonia. If only!

It’s okay, Dale. Let the tears flow. We know you’re better than Lisa and Spike and so do you.

Speaking of kitchen nightmares, maybe I should lay off watching endless re-runs of Kitchen Nightmares for awhile. Perhaps the repeated shots of Gordon Ramsay disrobing are starting to sear their way into my psyche, like the permanent W on the chef’s chin.

I had a dream the other night that Chef Ramsay and I were hanging out at a mansion, listening to folksy music play. He seemed like a duck out of water, far removed from hot kitchens and incompetent line cooks to yell at. So we chatted for a bit about food, and other subjects. Made some catty comments about the band and the line-dancing Branson-esque audience members. Did I mention that we were sitting on a bed?

…don’t worry! This dream was totally G rated and Puritanically chaste. He ended up departing early, leaving a cookbook behind. In the cookbook were scraps of paper, and on those scraps of paper – a long, rambling love letter! In the letter he said that he enjoyed the time he spent with me. Unfortunately he was already committed to a wife and kids in this life, but that in a future life we would surely see each other again, because we were both “weird souls.”

What does this mean? Is my soul mate really an aging, foul-mouthed generator of creative expletives, a crusher of budding culinary dreams? What will I tell E? And if this is truly the case, why couldn’t it have been Bourdain, for chrissakes?

My actual, waking life, dark tempered and foul-mouthed culinary crush. Nothing against Ramsay, but blonde guys with W’s carved into their chins don’t usually do it for me!

* Looking back at that season, I had totally shut out of my memory the fact that Cokehead Brian and Sweaty Bear Howie lasted longer than Tre. So Tre’s elimination still ranks as the most egregious moment in Top Chef History, but this one is definitely a close second.

Why the Food Network, you say? Well, in the last few years or so, during my intermittent spans of television watching, I’ve noticed a bit of a transformation: everybody on the Food Network is damn annoying, insane, or an unholy concoction of both. Has this always been this way? Was there ever a period when the Food Network didn’t show ridiculous bobbleheads with more goofy catchphrases than cooking sense? I remember the halcyon days of Julia Child, but she was on PBS, as well as the fabulous folks from Cooks Illustrated. Maybe the Food Network people have always been kind of shallow and borderline demented, but lately, it seems especially bad.

Here’s a line up of who’s on these days:

1) Princess Shark Face:

Hey, you’re that clever shark, aren’t you?

Personality Quirks: Exaggerating basic Italian words (“par-mi-ZHIA-no REG-i-AH-no” – hey, ya think she might be Italian?); soft-core porn lighting techniques; owner of roughly 10,000 teeth, 73% of which appear to be incisors; head distractingly out of proportion to the rest of her body.

Recipe Quality: Actually, her recipes don’t seem all that bad. Except for the time I saw her make a cheesecake of terror, which features roasted red bell peppers and goat cheese, drizzled in apricot jam. AHHH! My only consolation is that Giada obviously does not eat the food she makes.

Drinking game ideas: Drink when she says something in “I-tahl-YAH-noe”, or when the camera angle closes in on her gently lit bosoms.

2) The Poison Lady:

Butter and lard makes the world go round.

Personality quirks: “Oh MY GAWD, Y’ALL. I simply LOVE taters, with EXTRA BUTTER.” When asked what sort of tea she would take in England, she said, “Luzianne.” Also, has two sons with a combined IQ of 70, and a perpetually inebriated garden gnome for a husband. My mother once pointed at the TV when Paula Deen was on and said, “that’s the Poison Lady.”

Recipe quality: Butterlicious.

Drinking game ideas: Drink every time Paula Deen adds butter or lard. Your liver will cry, but overall, you will still be healthier than if you actually ate any of her food.

3) The Essence of BAM!:

BAM! Kick it up a notch! I just turned on the oven! (audience applause)

This is an odd confession to make in the midst of a Food Network rant, but really, I don’t mind Emeril that much. Yes, he is very gimmicky, more than a little cheesy, and he did more or less start the abominable trend of “food celebrities” that brought us the rest of the yokels on FN. I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to watch his show or anything, but neither does the presence of his face and accompanying personality quirks on my television screen make me want to throw things. Much.

Recipes: Not bad. Fairly dependable, achievable fare for the average FN audience. His red beans and rice recipe is actually quite tasty.

Drinking game ideas: Obviously, take a shot any time he says “BAM!” or “Kick it up a notch!”, or whenever the audience cheers at something mundane, like the addition of garlic.

4) Nerd nerd neeeeeerd:

Hey I’m a nerd! Nerd nerd nerd! Get it?

Here’s where I’m probably going to catch a lot of flak. I used to like him, back in the days when he simply gave good advice, like using a plastic bag with a corner cut off instead of purchasing a piping bag (for the times you need a piping bag, I guess). His whole McGyver schtick was mildly amusing, and he seemed to know what he was doing, so I cut him some slack.

Nowadays, I can’t watch him for more than 10 seconds before wanting to change the channel out of embarrassment. I guess the FN people told him to nerd it up (a notch, ha ha), and I guess that entails cheesy, painfully long skits interspersed throughout the show. I like nerds and all, being one myself, but come on.

Recipe Quality: Reliable. He gives good advice, mostly.
Drinking game ideas: Take a shot any time he makes reference to “hardware,” “software,” or other unnecessarily geekified jargon.

5) Muffin Hips:

Mmm. Uh, what food?

Personality quirks: BOOBS. Seriously. As a mostly heterosexual female, I can’t stop staring at them. Does she actually cook? She could be mashing cat food in a blender and most of her audience wouldn’t notice. Back in the day, I probably would have been annoyed that her presence on the FN seems to be wholly irrelevant to her actual culinary abilities. But in a day when Little Miss Toothpick Bobbleheads have hijacked the television, it’s kind of nice to see a purely T & A figure who, you know, actually has T and A.

Recipe Quality: According to my sister, rather poor. Eh, she’s British.

Drinking game ideas: Take a shot whenever she eats something seductively.

6) Animitronic Bobble Head Zombie Queen:

Ahh, the eyes. Ahh!

Recipe Quality: Jesus Christ, does she really get paid to show us how to slather frosting and glitter on storebought Nascar-themed cookies? Also, her tablescapes make me :cry:

Drinking game ideas: Take a shot any time she complements her own cooking. “I am going to make some FABULOUS vanilla wafer crumbles, topped with an EXCELLENT Cool Whip and Bourbon sauce.”

7) Rachael Death Ray:

Now taking over Aisle 4 of your local grocery store.

Personality quirks: Again, I actually didn’t mind her at first. Even when my friends would complain about her supernatural chipperness, and her penchant for using stupid catch phrases, I figured they were just being their usual misanthropic selves. Like with her cohort Lagasse, I didn’t care much either way whenever she was on the TV.

But then, she seemed to be on the TV more. And more. About four different shows on the FN, as well as a new talk show. And, as mentioned, about half an entire aisle at the grocery store. The day I went to a Barnes and Noble and found myself facing an entire wall of shining copies of her mad-eyed, vacuously grinning face, was the day I decided enough was enough. This reign of terror simply must be stopped, or she’ll kill us all with E.V.O.O. That’s short for extra virgin olive oil!

Recipe quality: Ranging from the mundane and carb-free diet friendly, to atrocious state-fair-abominations. Hot Dog salad..

Drinking game ideas: Really, there are so many, I suspect that Rachael Ray is always drinking along during the show to her own annoying habits. I keep watching her in the hope that I will witness the day she’ll snap and lunge at the camera man, punching and thrashing her way to freedom.

Ahh. So much annoyance concentrated in one network, I have to flip a few channels over to counteract it. Let’s go to the Travel Channel:

Our savior, in the flesh as a crass, hostile, chain-smoking New Yorker. Oh, l’amour.

Personality quirks: Being awesome. Once, during an episode of No Reservations on location in Vietnam, he ate the still beating heart of a cobra. And he ate a durian! Also, note that he is actually a chef.

Recipe quality: I haven’t checked out any of his cookbooks yet, and he doesn’t have a cooking show, but I’ll trust he knows what he’s doing.

Drinking game ideas: Drink whenever he insults a Food Network personality. Also, whenever he drinks.

Maybe one of these days Giada will forget that she’s anorexic and devour the tasty human flesh surrounding her, or perhaps Rachael Ray’s inevitable meltdown will result in the destruction of the entire network. In the meantime, if you ever feel the need to indulge your personality schadenfreude, you’ll know where to go.

* UPDATE: Signs of fracture. The meltdown is imminent!

Also, check out Gallery of the Absurd’s take on Rachael Ray. Demented food chipmunk, indeed.